What can I do?

Only by allowing ourselves to feel the most intense and shattering pain can we move toward a life in which pain is not the center.

First, do nothing. Simply feel what you feel. It is a simple notion but not necessarily an easy one. It may be the very last thing we want to do because what we feel may be very painful. If we are surrounded by people who want to distract us because our pain makes them uncomfortable, it can also be a very lonely time. Those around us may not like this 'new' person who is grieving, and they may want the 'old' us back as soon as possible. But we are forever changed. It is not possible for us to be the person we were because we cannot undo this loss we have experienced. And so we need to feel. Our feelings are not wrong; they just are. Think of them more as a barometer or reflection of the changes happening deep within. Actually feeling, and even exploring that feeling, is the best way to get to the point where we do not feel overwhelmed by our emotions.

Second, express what you feel. This is called mourning, and it is absolutely critical. If we bottle up and try to ignore our feelings, they will come out in other, perhaps unhealthy or even dangerous, ways. Our pain is real, and it deserves a voice. There are many ways to express grief: talking, crying, writing, praying, singing, living with intentional awareness, or expressing appreciation for what we have. Expressing grief can be done privately - in a journal or in a silent prayer. It can occur in a more public fashion - support group meetings, remembrance services, or visiting memorials. Some of our world's most famous music and works of art were created during a time of incredible loss during that artist's life. We give ourselves a gift when we create space in our lives to allow our feelings to surface, whatever those feelings may be. If we stay busy or numb our feelings with drugs and alcohol, it only delays the inevitable.

It is very important to take care of our physical selves during this time. Our immune system can be affected by grief, and we are more vulnerable to illness and accidents. As much as we are able, we need to eat balanced meals and drink plenty of fluids, especially water. We need rest and may find ourselves sleeping more than usual. We should try to stay away from alcohol and other substances that can numb our pain. Our bodies will tell us what we need if we pay attention.